FALLING IN LOVE
To anyone that’s met Heather, one thing clearly stands out when you meet her. “The biggest quality is her eyes. She has these bluish green piercing eyes that, even to this day, is the first thing everyone ever notices about her,” Fred said. He’s definitely one who believes in the “cheesy quote” that “the eyes are the windows to the soul.”
“I never really believed in ‘love at first sight’ but I believe there was definitely something there. She definitely had that personality of being fun, outgoing, which surprisingly enough, she’s an introvert.”
Fred and Heather are high school sweethearts. They met their junior year, even though they were attending rival high schools. They met in church and through a mutual friend. Heather had been involved in church her entire life, while Fred became involved during high school. They’ve been together ever since. “I think we had one small break up that lasted a week and a half, but I realized that I made a mistake and stuck with her ever since.”
They got married six years after they started dating, on October 11, 2003. Definitely a romantic at heart, Fred had cunningly took the ring that he gave Heather two years into dating, off her ring finger, measured and bought the ring, had a photographer ready, and popped the question when she was least expecting it, at a restaurant in downtown Atlanta, GA.
Fred’s stuck with Heather through every single up and downs that have been thrown their way. Heather brings out the best in Fred. “She just made me a better person. She challenged me. I had this history of trying to run away from things, and meeting her felt like it gave me stability and gave me some desire to want to be a better person; to stop running, to really chase what I really wanted to do with my life.”
ROADBLOCKS
Heather’s father was diagnosed with cancer in 2011. Heather’s parents were in the middle of a divorce, so her father was living between her brother’s house and her father’s cousin.
“We were actually on our own vacation in Seattle, Washington. We got a call from Heather’s cousin saying that they were in the emergency room at Gwinnett Medical Center in Lawrenceville, GA, and the diagnosis was cancer. It was almost immediate that I pulled Heather aside and said, ‘Hey, we have an extra room; he’s going to move in with us. I’m not going to have not having a stable place while he’s going through these treatments.’” Fred said that they were not aware, at the time, that the cancer was terminal until afterwards. They were able to spend nine months with him before he passed away.
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Fred and Heather hit another roadblock when Heather went into the hospital for her first surgery. “She had to have surgery for an endometriosis and two ovarian cysts. I think that was a hard thing for us because it turned into a 50/50 chance that we could ever have kids, and it was one of those things we wanted to think we always wanted to have. We always talked about adopting too, but we knew this was going to be hard. So we tried for a year after that surgery and if you can’t do it, it’s probably not going to happen. I feel like we got cancer, instead.”
The weekend that Heather was diagnosed, Fred and Heather had planned to go to the Oysterfest Atlanta holds every year. She was feeling so great, so she told Fred to go have fun with his friends instead. “So I went to the Oysterfest and I felt guilty, ‘Here I am having fun, she’s at home not feeling well.’” Heather had thought she had a stomach bug and thought they could last over the weekend. When Sunday morning came with no sign of her getting better, Fred decided to take her to the ER.
“We get to the ER, and basically within that couple of days, ER visit goes into emergency surgery for the colon, and colonoscopy, and of course we find out it’s a tumor. It’s in her liver, it’s spread and so we immediately know it’s stage IV cancer.”
FIGHT CRC
“The first year of her having cancer, that was probably the worst year I can think of, that we struggled with,” Fred said. That first year, Heather had about four surgeries. “I definitely felt alone and I know she felt alone in all this because you’re in your mid 30s, we go to the infusion centers, we go to the hospitals, and it’s the shock on people’s faces. ‘How can you have cancer? How can you be stage IV? I don’t understand, you didn’t have any symptoms.’”
It was during these times, in between treatments where Heather took answers into her own hands. “She would go online and she would search story after story trying to understand more about what she’s dealing with. She’s being told she’s doing FOLFOX ‘fury’ infusions, which she can’t find anyone else that’s ever done that. So she’s researching all those medical terms and trying to understand what’s going on and what to expect.” It was then that Heather met an ambassador to Fight CRC, who had gone through what she was going through, reached out and got involved in Fight CRC.
“Honestly, Fight CRC for us has been a blessing.” Fred had attended last year in support of Heather, but found support for himself as well, and realized that he was not alone. “Especially as a caregiver, you tend to live in the shadows of the patient, at least I did. You go the doctors; they’re always talking to her. They’re always talking about what she’s going through, what she’s feeling. When you’re surrounded by your friends and family, they’ll always say to the patient things like, “Oh, you’re the bravest person I know. You’re so strong. You’re this.” To hear all that, I don’t want to take that away from her, because I want her to feel that, but then I’m still stuck in my little corner saying, “Well, what about me?” When I wanted some of that attention, when I wanted someone to ask me how I was doing, I would be overwhelmed with guilt. ‘Why am I trying to steal her thing? This is her thing, it’s supposed to be her thing.’ It took me up until sometime after I got back from Fight CRC, maybe a few months later, that I realized, I’m in this just as much as she is and that I do have to take care of myself in the process. So I started to read more on caregivers, trying to understand who am I in all this? What is my identity? Where’s my voice? I realized that there are other caregivers out there who are feeling the same thing that I am, with no support or feel like they have the support when there really is.”
PAINTING REALITY
Fred’s been trying to paint a picture of the realities of being a caregiver to many who do not see the struggles they go through. Fred emphasized how competitive Heather and he were in their career paths, and when her father became diagnosed, it was difficult for Heather to stop being the primary breadwinner, having lost her job after taking time off and disability to care for her father. It was that memory that made Fred realize that the same could happen to him.
“I think one of the things that people in their 30s and early 40s that struggle with going through this, at least I am, unlike the people in their 60s and 70s going through cancer treatments is, I’m not retired. I’m trying to build a career. I’m still trying to build my portfolio because I still have aspirations and goals in my life that I want to achieve, and I feel like cancer holds me back.”
“I’m going to put my wife first.”
FALLING IN LOVE ALL OVER AGAIN
“The first year of us going through her cancer, I found myself not confiding in her anymore. I didn’t want her to have to listen or feel the struggles I was feeling at work, or listen to how I was struggling trying to take care of her. I didn’t want her to see the sadness in my face or in my voice, or my conversations, I wanted everything to be happy, joy, joy, because I wanted her to keep focusing on taking care of herself, get healthy, get strong, get through this next round of treatment and let’s beat this thing.”
After attending Fight CRC this past year, Fred met with other caretakers, adding new family members into his life. It was then that he realized that he was depriving Heather of something essential in their relationship. “I’m sitting here taking care of her, she’s falling back in love with me, seeing how I’m taking care of her, but she felt guilty not being able to take care of me. Our marriage is based on that mutual agreement that I would confide in her, she would help me through my problems, and vice versa, I would do the same for her. If I’m feeling sick, she would take care of me, and I was robbing her of that level of intimacy. And once I realized that, the doors opened up, and as much as cancer sucks, I think in some cases, the past few years have been some of the best years of our marriage. We realized that intimacy is more than just physical, there’s a huge emotional part to it that we all miss out on. And that can be just as rewarding as anything else you can do in your marriage.”
Fred and Heather have gotten back into their passion for travel that they had promised each other their first year of marriage. With the drive for living their life, they have seen the positive outcomes. “We go to our regular doctor where she was getting her normal chemo treatments, and they would just light up when we’d walk into the room. Because of that, they would ask, ‘How can I get what you two are doing to get everyone else that walks into this room to understand that? Don’t let us rule your lives. We will do whatever we can do work around your schedule so you can live your lives. Because that’s the most important thing here.’ And that’s where you beat the disease. Regardless of what happens, or how long you can fight with it, you won.”
Fred and Heather plan to travel back to participate with Fight CRC, continuing to be advocates and ambassadors for the organization. They’re currently teaming up with Gwinnett Medical Center in Lawrenceville, GA to create awareness and share their story with others, so they are aware that colon cancer can affect anyone, regardless of age. Fred has seen the impact that others have had on their story together.
“I learned real quick that people really want to help us and I think that’s just more of a testament to who Heather is and even to who I am, even though I don’t give myself enough credit for it. We spent our lives trying to give as much good to everyone else and to give people the benefit of the doubt, to take care of others, to see the good in everyone else, to make the best of every situation, and now I see it coming back to us. When I see donations come in, it’s hard to hold back tears. We’ve definitely seen a lot of good in people; it’s helped us to see the better part of life that sometimes we overlook. That’s some of the best parts of it.”
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